Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I am mentally ready for anal.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
