Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
