My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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