My sheets look like a crime scene.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
