Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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