Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize