Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
