I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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