At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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