he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
