I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
