Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize