Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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