Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
