I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
