I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
