You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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