my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
