God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
