There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize