Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
