i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Be still, my beating vagina.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
