a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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