I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
