I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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