every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
