I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
