why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
