I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
