McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I touched a dick in church today
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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