Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize