Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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