I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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