I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
