Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
