I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
