I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
