I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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