The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I still have a little drunk in my system
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize