Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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