im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
