I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
