I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
