You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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