well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
