textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
