fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
