I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
