i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
