Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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