my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
