You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize