who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
