I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We're too hungover to prance.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
