I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I need to wash the frat house off of me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
