I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
