Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
