Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
