are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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