I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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