You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
