my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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